Around the beginning - mid April, I caught pneumonia for the first time ever in my life. I could barely breath, had liquid in both lungs & I still continued to smoke cigs like it was nothing. I was on bed rest for 2 and a half weeks. Finally got well enough to go back to work. Took me over two months to get rid of the cough & get back to normal health. . . .
Until Sept hit, when I caught pneumonia again. Originally i thought i was getting strep, my throat was so sore, so i made a doc apt. Went in & doc listened to my chest, he said pneumonia again .. this time it was only in one lung. So i figured sweet, it's not as bad. Steroids, antibiotics, i should be fine in a week. Stayed home for a week, and went back to work. I worked a full 8 hour shift, and felt dead by the end of the night. I went home, still coughing and sick, took some nyquil & called it a night. Got up the next morning feeling like the death train hit me, but still went to work. As soon as i stepped into work, my boss & her mother made me call my doc & schedule an apt. My couch was 20x's worse, I was barely even there. Breathing was beyond horrible, had the worst weezing ever. Went to the doc, & they had me walking around with a mask on, then told me I had to be admitted in the hospital. While walking from my car to the hospital I told my mom, I'm going to have this one last cig because I know i wont be able to smoke after this.
5 days later, they let me out. They told my parents, due to the pneumonia, I had severe swelling in my throat, chest, as well as my lungs. Not sure how long it would take to go away, i stayed on my steroids & antiobiotcs for over 15 days. Spent a week at home, & then went back to work. I quit smoking, so that helped tremendously.
The bad part of all of this, ever since I was put on all those drugs, I have completely changed. My entire attitude, my mental thoughts, everything. I'm so moody, everything even the littlest things irritate me beyond believe, I can't deal with any type of stress at all, I don't want to be with anyone or around anyone because I feel as though everyone is just around me to fuck me over. The bullshit I have been noticing about people around me, has been making me think "what about them made me like them initially?" People continuously asking me for money, yet are out buying jordans for them without me knowing . . . people lying about everything, pretty much living a fake life through me, and making me feel bad for them when i shouldnt.. . . just using my kindness as an advantage for themselves.
Over the past 2 months, i have pushed literally everyone close to me away. I trust no one. I see through the bullshit, & I refuse to get close to anyone, anymore. Just work, money, movies, Gucci (my dog) & me. That's all I'm worried about now. I work 40-50 hours a week, then come home & lay in my bed. I browse the internet, & watch movies, talk to a few people i'm close with online, then head to bed.
I don't know what's going on. I just hope that sometime soon it changes. I'd like to be close with someone, I'd like to have someone to have good times with, joke around, do stupid shit together, & have fun. I know it will happen one day, I just don't know when.
I forgot this part, so Im going to add it in here . . .
Two weeks ago I went to the doctor for a check - up & of course something else was wrong. He diagnosed me with an Auto Immune Diffiencey, something there is no cure for. . . lemme explain
What is Auto Immune Deficiency?
When the immune system within the body starts attacking blood vessels, red blood cells, connective tissues, the endocrine system, the digestive system, nerves and muscle joints within the body itself mistaking them to be a threat to the body, this condition is said to exist. The symptoms of this disorder vary from person to person, as it is difficult to say with what intensity the immune system will start attacking.
When this disorder sets in, the immune system is busy attacking its own cells and often lets the other harmful factors pass through unscathed. This further weakens the body, as it now has to deal with many more diseases and ailments as well. Due to this combination of threats, a disorder of this nature can severely debilitate an individual, and cause a lot of damage over the course of time.
The causes of this disorder cannot be known accurately, and as such there are a variety of causes which medical experts say lead to the onset of this disorder. It is not a disease in itself, and merely opens up the body to the risk of many other harmful diseases.
Pretty much, I will consistently continue to get sick, & nothing can stop it. How fucking depressing. That may also be my reason for being so negative & down. So uncontrolling with my moods, and actions. Hopefully, I will reach a point where I can be happy. Granted I am happy Im still alive, yet I'm so miserable with it all. Every time i turn around, there is something else wrong. I just don't want to be sick anymore. . . I want to be healthy enough to travel the world & enjoy my time. Not lay at home feeling sick, and barely able to get out of bed. . . .
