Random.

Around the beginning - mid April, I caught pneumonia for the first time ever in my life. I could barely breath, had liquid in both lungs & I still continued to smoke cigs like it was nothing. I was on bed rest for 2 and a half weeks. Finally got well enough to go back to work. Took me over two months to get rid of the cough & get back to normal health.  .  .  . 

Until Sept hit, when I caught pneumonia again. Originally i thought i was getting strep, my throat was so sore, so i made a doc apt. Went in & doc listened to my chest, he said pneumonia again .. this time it was only in one lung. So i figured sweet, it's not as bad. Steroids, antibiotics, i should be fine in a week. Stayed home for a week, and went back to work. I worked a full 8 hour shift, and felt dead by the end of the night. I went home, still coughing and sick, took some nyquil & called it a night. Got up the next morning feeling like the death train hit me, but still went to work. As soon as i stepped into work, my boss & her mother made me call my doc & schedule an apt. My couch was 20x's worse, I was barely even there. Breathing was beyond horrible, had the worst weezing ever. Went to the doc, & they had me walking around with a mask on, then told me I had to be admitted in the hospital. While walking from my car to the hospital I told my mom, I'm going to have this one last cig because I know i wont be able to smoke after this. 

5 days later, they let me out. They told my parents, due to the pneumonia, I had severe swelling in my throat, chest, as well as my lungs. Not sure how long it would take to go away, i stayed on my steroids & antiobiotcs for over 15 days. Spent a week at home, & then went back to work. I quit smoking, so that helped tremendously. 

The bad part of all of this, ever since I was put on all those drugs, I have completely changed. My entire attitude, my mental thoughts, everything. I'm so moody, everything even the littlest things irritate me beyond believe, I can't deal with any type of stress at all, I don't want to be with anyone or around anyone because I feel as though everyone is just around me to fuck me over. The bullshit I have been noticing about people around me, has been making me think "what about them made me like them initially?" People continuously asking me for money, yet are out buying jordans for them without me knowing . . . people lying about everything, pretty much living a fake life through me, and making me feel bad for them when i shouldnt.. . . just using my kindness as an advantage for themselves. 

Over the past 2 months, i have pushed literally everyone close to me away. I trust no one. I see through the bullshit, & I refuse to get close to anyone, anymore. Just work, money, movies, Gucci (my dog) & me. That's all I'm worried about now. I work 40-50 hours a week, then come home & lay in my bed. I browse the internet, & watch movies, talk to a few people i'm close with online, then head to bed. 

I don't know what's going on. I just hope that sometime soon it changes. I'd like to be close with someone, I'd like to have someone to have good times with, joke around, do stupid shit together, & have fun. I know it will happen one day, I just don't know when. 

I forgot this part, so Im going to add it in here . . . 

Two weeks ago I went to the doctor for a check - up & of course something else was wrong. He diagnosed me with an Auto  Immune Diffiencey, something there is no cure for. . . lemme explain

What is Auto Immune Deficiency?

When the immune system within the body starts attacking blood vessels, red blood cells, connective tissues, the endocrine system, the digestive system, nerves and muscle joints within the body itself mistaking them to be a threat to the body, this condition is said to exist. The symptoms of this disorder vary from person to person, as it is difficult to say with what intensity the immune system will start attacking.

When this disorder sets in, the immune system is busy attacking its own cells and often lets the other harmful factors pass through unscathed. This further weakens the body, as it now has to deal with many more diseases and ailments as well. Due to this combination of threats, a disorder of this nature can severely debilitate an individual, and cause a lot of damage over the course of time.

The causes of this disorder cannot be known accurately, and as such there are a variety of causes which medical experts say lead to the onset of this disorder. It is not a disease in itself, and merely opens up the body to the risk of many other harmful diseases.

Pretty much, I will consistently continue to get sick, & nothing can stop it. How fucking depressing. That may also be my reason for being so negative & down. So uncontrolling with my moods, and actions. Hopefully, I will reach a point where I can be happy. Granted I am happy Im still alive, yet I'm so miserable with it all. Every time i turn around, there is something else wrong. I just don't want to be sick anymore. . . I want to be healthy enough to travel the world & enjoy my time. Not lay at home feeling sick, and barely able to get out of bed. . . . 

Crazed Ex.

I have this ex - boyfriend, who just won't move on with life. At the end of our relationship it got a little nasty, but it ended, which was good! A couple months later i got into a new relationship & of course he starts writing comments on all my Facebook & instagram pics talking about he loves me, misses me can't wait to see me, blah blah blah. . . this fool has people thinking we still together off the shit he writes. 

I explain to my boyfriend at the time, i don't know what to do this dude is just writing nonsense so dudes will think i'm taken & not talk to me. I explained to him the entire situation & he said the best thing to do is to ignore it & continue on with life. So i do just that. Now almost a year later, this ex of mine posts this on my status .. 

I miss u and I love u Erin. Hopin u feel betta. Missin playin ball witcha, talkin shit, and all the other shit we use to get into!!!! Imma check on u later ok. Get well pretty lady.

& then on my instagram i post a pic of my dog laying in between my legs while we are watching tv .. so he comments on it & says ... 

wishing i was Gucci right now, haha! Soon enuff

WTF!? I don't even talk to you anymore, not even hi hello how are you? I don't see you at all anymore, we don't even text. It's been almost a year & you on my shit still posting shit like we best friends for life or something? I don't get it. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE & let me continue on with mine. It annoys the hell out of me that he is purposely writing that shit so no dude will talk to me. 

When we broke up I told him he was like my son & i could not care for him anymore even if i paid myself. Hoping I hurt his pride & he would hate me & never talk to me again. My plan = failed. Dude said it made him realize he should have taken better care of me & would step it up. I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I wish i knew what to do. . . . to just erase this annoying fuck from my life. 

 

I envy those who know themselves well, the people that can look in the mirror and know that they are seeing themselves. I am not comfortable with that concept, I look in the mirror and on different days I do not always recognize the soul that has enslaved my body. I have days where I know exactly who I am, what I want and what I believe in. Other days I wake up and think “fuck” I can’tdecide anything. I wonder how this will go. I feel as though I have stepped into another realm and am unfamiliar with everything. I scare myself with my anxieties and I am aware others have these too. But how do they control them? Not letting the outside world take over them.

I wish I better knew my own soul, perhaps this life would be easier for me. The people that go soul searching perhaps aren’t to far off from what I need. Perhaps it is an artificial reason or answer but maybe that is all I need. I have to many curiosities to satisfy, I have to many fears to qualm. I am by no means material for someone to constantly be wonderful. On that note, I have never met a soul that fits that character. The acceptance of myself unfortunately comes with the acceptance of afewothers. In reality there is onlyoneother that I seek this from. At times I of course mess up and I wonder ifevery wrong step I takewill send me back 100 good steps.I try my hardest, more than I have tried ever before to get the approval.

OftenI get what I seek and I am able to fullyaccept myself.I see beauty and kindness.However the evil catch is that there is that thehorrendousside of me can still grab me by a hook and slowly pull me into anabyss.I try to yank and pull, sometimes I get free.I think it is luck, not logic.For if it were logic,I would do it every time and live a much more carefree life.

As you guys have probably noticed, I’ve been in a pretty bad place lately. All the negativity and stress has been really doing a number on my psyche. Although I’ve been getting help with the things that I’m dealing with, it’s still a struggle most days, but I’m getting through it. I’m just trying to surround myself with as many good vibes and as much positivity as I can, and hopefully it leads me to a better place. Once I am over being sick, and I'm back in the movement of work, I'm sure the tension will lessen and the sadness will hinder.  

Every day is a struggle. Getting through each day with my mind intact is an amazing feat. If you only knew what goes on behind the fake smiles and the pretty made up face, you would cry too.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could let it all out and open up so I don’t have to go at it alone. But being the selfless person I am, I keep it in and deal with it on my own. I take on others problems and help them rather than taking advice or asking for help myself. I think I’ve only let 3 people in to see the real me in the past 3 years. Who wouldn’t be scared of being judged for being so messed up? 25 years and I’ve only let less than a handful of people see the real me. Everyday is a show, it’s an act, it’s tiring. Some days I really just want to give up, but what keeps me going? Knowing that others need me and that I make a difference in someones life. 

Gemini.

I think certain aspects of my zodiac sign fit 

But others fall short of it 

I am flirty but loyal 

Smooth demeanor 

Sociable 

Intellectual...emotional but strong 

Optimistic with a dualistic approach 

to life 

With a strong personality 

cutting you sharper than a knife 

If I'm having fun I have no problem 

doing it twice 

I'm addictive to laughter 

Always after a good time 

Now I disagree with people who say 

we have split personalities 

What you see in me now is who I am everyday 

I love a deep...stimulating conversation 

Full of inspiration...never lacking in motivation 

I must confess this is only a slight indication 

of who I am 

Their are many layers to my character 

Only one chapter of my Bio 

You can search high and low 

I vow to never show all of me 

Unless you possess the coveted key 

To unlock this treasure chest 

The best of me 

The rest of me 

Only then can you relish in 

the everlasting ecstasy 

It takes a lot to stress me 

More than conversation to undress me 

Life is just a multiple-choice test to me 

June 1, 1987 I kicked in the world's door 

Hardcore...Broad shoulders 

Able to carry a load 

Don't push me or I might explode 

Gemini...with a do-or-die attitude 

Above all I am an easy-going woman with gratitude. 

To often WE place the blame on other's 

unwilling to take responsibility for our own actions 

WE tend to lower our standards, adjust our morals 

and throw away OUR faith to gain other's satisfaction 

What makes US do this? Is it OUR deep desire to be accepted? 

Or maybe it's the fear of rejection, 

the urge to shelter our heart and keep it protected 

Protected from the hurt and protected from the lies 

Protected from false hope hidden behind trusting eyes 

WE're so quick to judge, but even quicker to be offended 

I guess that's why WE have these walls built up 

To hide behind, seems to be the most logical of what WE intended 

WE can't keep being this way, something has got to give 

If not for US at least for OUR spirit 

so this weight can be lifted 

And only then will WE be able to truly live 

WE - OUR - US all disguises to the fact 

WE - OUR - US is the ME that hides behind this mask

What exactly is love and why is it that we constantly believe it should make someone love us back? Love , to me, is always a one way street. Sometimes , you reach an intersection that goes both ways but once in a while, there’s always a dead end. But love doesn’t owe you anything. And just because you love someone , it doesn’t mean that they have to love you back. 

People say that “titles” defines the boundaries of love because if not, it will run freely. But I’m sitting here writing about LOVE , in it’s most general form. To give love is to willingly devote your heart to someone or something. The problem here is that we tend to believe that love is this mutual thing and once we realize that it’s not, it becomes an obsession into finding a love that actually is. 

But to genuinely love does not mean to expect it in return. Love should be altruistic and not a duty of ” I do this for you and you do this for me”. Doesn’t it mean more when love DOESN’T have to reciprocated but yet, someday you find someone who WILLINGLY and GENUINELY wants to LOVE you for their own reasons and not just because you love them? In my opinion, I think we all desire that.

To me, I don’t need a title to be able to love someone. Love can’t even be described, so I won’t try to limit it because of a title. The fact that I can call you my “boyfriend” does make me love you more or love you less. It doesn’t really define how I can love therefore to me, it’s not as important as I used to think it was.

I’m not saying that it is not needed in general, I’m just saying that in order to LOVE, there is not NEED to have a title. Titles make you feel secure because no one wants to love someone they cannot call their own. But if you think about it, just because he/she is not your significant other anymore, it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them at that instant because they no longer hold that special title.

Love is love. It doesn’t matter the gender, the time, the title, or the chances of actually being together. When I love someone, I love them for WHO they are and not for the type of relationship we have been labeled as.

late night poem.

Can I ever be,
The woman of your dreams
Every time I think of you,
I feel you are the one for me
But I have yet to see
If this is a dream
Or reality

You are not the person I’d thought youd be,
& you have taken me
Completely off my feet
I don’t want to pressure you,
But I only want you.

There is no one who compares to you,
Yet I don’t think that I fulfill you.
Am I enough to keep you,
Hold you,
And marry you.
I don’t want this to be a meantime,
I want this to be for a lifetime.

Surprised by the words I spit,
I have no other way to express it,
When I look into your eyes,
I can not speak
The words that come to my mind
You make my heart quiver,
My body shiver,
I don’t know how else to deliver.
The feelings inside of me,
How I want things to be.
I don’t want this dream,
I want it to be my reality.

Frustration.

I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish I knew how to tuck it away, & hide it. I hate catching feelings, and then being disappointed. Granted most of the time I can only blame myself, because I fall for the simple things. I enjoy the little things that happen, and then I think it's going somewhere, and I start to get so excited, only to know that "oh I don't want a girlfriend right now." Why get close to me, why lead me on, knowing that I am falling, and you aren't? I just don't understand why people play with each others feelings so freely, so easily. Is it exciting? Does it make you feel better? 

Another one, why do men ( & i'm not saying women don't do this, just explaining my situation) prefer to just have sex & not settle down? I understand men view women as difficult & all those other things, but I'm 25. At an age where I'm looking to get serious with someone so by the time I'm 30, i can start thinking family, and marriage. Yet, the men around me, or around people I know, just want to fuck. When people think of me, they say "damn, i just want to hit it." WHAT?! WHY!? Why can't i be more than just a hit? lol. That sounded funny, yet i'm being serious. Why doesn't anyone look at me as, "dang i wish i could get to know her & possibly settle down". Why are guys always saying "dang i just want to hit it."? 

I wish i could understand these things, it would definitely put my mind at ease. The way I view myself is I'm a hard working, independent, caring, loving individual. If we are serious together, I'd be there through it all. Support you through all the storms knowing that one day we will come out on top. Yes i can get a bit jealous, but that's because I care, not because I'm crazy. Then again, what woman doesn't have a little bit of jealousy in here somewhere?