I envy those who know themselves well, the people that can look in the mirror and know that they are seeing themselves. I am not comfortable with that concept, I look in the mirror and on different days I do not always recognize the soul that has enslaved my body. I have days where I know exactly who I am, what I want and what I believe in. Other days I wake up and think “fuck” I can’tdecide anything. I wonder how this will go. I feel as though I have stepped into another realm and am unfamiliar with everything. I scare myself with my anxieties and I am aware others have these too. But how do they control them? Not letting the outside world take over them.

I wish I better knew my own soul, perhaps this life would be easier for me. The people that go soul searching perhaps aren’t to far off from what I need. Perhaps it is an artificial reason or answer but maybe that is all I need. I have to many curiosities to satisfy, I have to many fears to qualm. I am by no means material for someone to constantly be wonderful. On that note, I have never met a soul that fits that character. The acceptance of myself unfortunately comes with the acceptance of afewothers. In reality there is onlyoneother that I seek this from. At times I of course mess up and I wonder ifevery wrong step I takewill send me back 100 good steps.I try my hardest, more than I have tried ever before to get the approval.

OftenI get what I seek and I am able to fullyaccept myself.I see beauty and kindness.However the evil catch is that there is that thehorrendousside of me can still grab me by a hook and slowly pull me into anabyss.I try to yank and pull, sometimes I get free.I think it is luck, not logic.For if it were logic,I would do it every time and live a much more carefree life.

As you guys have probably noticed, I’ve been in a pretty bad place lately. All the negativity and stress has been really doing a number on my psyche. Although I’ve been getting help with the things that I’m dealing with, it’s still a struggle most days, but I’m getting through it. I’m just trying to surround myself with as many good vibes and as much positivity as I can, and hopefully it leads me to a better place. Once I am over being sick, and I'm back in the movement of work, I'm sure the tension will lessen and the sadness will hinder.  

Every day is a struggle. Getting through each day with my mind intact is an amazing feat. If you only knew what goes on behind the fake smiles and the pretty made up face, you would cry too.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could let it all out and open up so I don’t have to go at it alone. But being the selfless person I am, I keep it in and deal with it on my own. I take on others problems and help them rather than taking advice or asking for help myself. I think I’ve only let 3 people in to see the real me in the past 3 years. Who wouldn’t be scared of being judged for being so messed up? 25 years and I’ve only let less than a handful of people see the real me. Everyday is a show, it’s an act, it’s tiring. Some days I really just want to give up, but what keeps me going? Knowing that others need me and that I make a difference in someones life. 

Gemini.

I think certain aspects of my zodiac sign fit 

But others fall short of it 

I am flirty but loyal 

Smooth demeanor 

Sociable 

Intellectual...emotional but strong 

Optimistic with a dualistic approach 

to life 

With a strong personality 

cutting you sharper than a knife 

If I'm having fun I have no problem 

doing it twice 

I'm addictive to laughter 

Always after a good time 

Now I disagree with people who say 

we have split personalities 

What you see in me now is who I am everyday 

I love a deep...stimulating conversation 

Full of inspiration...never lacking in motivation 

I must confess this is only a slight indication 

of who I am 

Their are many layers to my character 

Only one chapter of my Bio 

You can search high and low 

I vow to never show all of me 

Unless you possess the coveted key 

To unlock this treasure chest 

The best of me 

The rest of me 

Only then can you relish in 

the everlasting ecstasy 

It takes a lot to stress me 

More than conversation to undress me 

Life is just a multiple-choice test to me 

June 1, 1987 I kicked in the world's door 

Hardcore...Broad shoulders 

Able to carry a load 

Don't push me or I might explode 

Gemini...with a do-or-die attitude 

Above all I am an easy-going woman with gratitude. 

To often WE place the blame on other's 

unwilling to take responsibility for our own actions 

WE tend to lower our standards, adjust our morals 

and throw away OUR faith to gain other's satisfaction 

What makes US do this? Is it OUR deep desire to be accepted? 

Or maybe it's the fear of rejection, 

the urge to shelter our heart and keep it protected 

Protected from the hurt and protected from the lies 

Protected from false hope hidden behind trusting eyes 

WE're so quick to judge, but even quicker to be offended 

I guess that's why WE have these walls built up 

To hide behind, seems to be the most logical of what WE intended 

WE can't keep being this way, something has got to give 

If not for US at least for OUR spirit 

so this weight can be lifted 

And only then will WE be able to truly live 

WE - OUR - US all disguises to the fact 

WE - OUR - US is the ME that hides behind this mask