I envy those who know themselves well, the people that can look in the mirror and know that they are seeing themselves. I am not comfortable with that concept, I look in the mirror and on different days I do not always recognize the soul that has enslaved my body. I have days where I know exactly who I am, what I want and what I believe in. Other days I wake up and think “fuck” I can’tdecide anything. I wonder how this will go. I feel as though I have stepped into another realm and am unfamiliar with everything. I scare myself with my anxieties and I am aware others have these too. But how do they control them? Not letting the outside world take over them.

I wish I better knew my own soul, perhaps this life would be easier for me. The people that go soul searching perhaps aren’t to far off from what I need. Perhaps it is an artificial reason or answer but maybe that is all I need. I have to many curiosities to satisfy, I have to many fears to qualm. I am by no means material for someone to constantly be wonderful. On that note, I have never met a soul that fits that character. The acceptance of myself unfortunately comes with the acceptance of afewothers. In reality there is onlyoneother that I seek this from. At times I of course mess up and I wonder ifevery wrong step I takewill send me back 100 good steps.I try my hardest, more than I have tried ever before to get the approval.

OftenI get what I seek and I am able to fullyaccept myself.I see beauty and kindness.However the evil catch is that there is that thehorrendousside of me can still grab me by a hook and slowly pull me into anabyss.I try to yank and pull, sometimes I get free.I think it is luck, not logic.For if it were logic,I would do it every time and live a much more carefree life.